moving on.

i've experienced yet a single break-up in my life. and i was the one who initiated it. yet, no matter how many times i told myself that i do not have any right to feel hurt because it was my fault, it was painful. it hurt for some time. after a while though, i got to move on, to go to reunions and see him again with a smile on my face like nothing bad happened.. or like i never did him wrong. i felt guilty that everything passed me by rather quickly, but then again, there was no use pretending that you i still felt dramatic about all that happened though i was really over everything. it was over. that's it.

now, i am happy. or maybe not. but at least i know that i'm not super sad. what i'm going through right now is far different from breaking up with my first boyfriend, but it somehow feels the same. there's the pain, the longing, the what-if's, the guilt. yet, there's also peace, and (okaaay, i have to admit), a bit of happiness. it's still the same old painful loss, but this time around, i'm assured that what - or who - i lost, is in a better state than when we were together. for her, there's no more pain and suffering. just peace. and hopefully hapiness.

i don't like holding on. i move on quite fast. i can get over this. i can, i can, i can. in fact, i've laughed a lot of times since last week. i'm yearning to go to the mall with my girl friends, to see my crush(es), to get good grades (after a depressing accounting exam).. i long to live my life again. there are some major changes, a lot of missing parts in my life, huge decisions that suddenly appeared and now my mind's overflowing with a lot of stuff. my aunts and uncles tell me to just study hard and fulfill my mom's dreams for me, but as of the moment, studying is what i suck at most. i just want to chill, to go out, to drink, to party, to have fun and forget everything. no matter how hard i try, i just can't study. or maybe i don't want to study yet. i try to clear my mind but it's still preoccupied. my stat exam is sitting here in front of me at the computer but i don't know when i'd (want to) start.

okay, i'm ranting big time. basta.. i don't know anymore. my life seems pointless.

let's end this na. thank you for all who came, who texted, and most especially to those who prayed. my mom is happy now, and i guess i should be too, anytime soon. *hugs* God bless.