farewell.. for now. :)

what's good in goodbye?

the first time i was asked this question was when i received it via text from my buddy kenneth, and then later on i found out that it was a question that everyone in their corridor was asked to write about. if i were to answer this, out of bitterness i would blurt out:

"wala. meron ba? "

but after giving it some thought (and reading kuya rbee's letter to the third floor boys out of curiosity), i realized that in reality, underneath the loneliness and tears brought by goodbyes, there hide pleasant things that later on, we may be thankful of.

personally, i don't like goodbyes, particularly because i'm sort of a cry baby and even the slightest senti moments make me cry. i remember confessing to my floormates during our year-ender that when i entered kalai, i vowed to myself that i would only sleep there - no mingling with people, no bonding with floormates, no going out to meet my dormmates. i was able to keep up with that life during the first sem, but the second sem got different. and it was a whole lot better. it started with room-hopping, joining the choir, participating in the cheerdance competition, and the next thing i know, my network expanded. i know that i wasn't even close to knowing one-fourth of my batchmates in kalai by the end of my stay, but honestly, i'm glad i opened my door and went out.

and now that it's goodbye, you can bet that i cried a lot more than most of my floormates did. but compared to the previous "farewell episodes" that i've encountered, i cried less. because now i realized that goodbyes may be temporary or permanent, and it will solely depend on me which one it will be. i used to treat goodbyes as a point where there would be nothing more between you and the person you're parting ways with; at present, i'm starting to treat it as something temporary, something that may be turned into a "hello" again in time.

and now, i'm somehow changing my answer from "wala. meron ba?" to this:

goodbyes give you the chance to meet more people, and to prove to the people you said goodbye to that no matter how many more people you meet, you are willing to and you will be able to keep the memory of the friendships and the relationships that you made with those people alive.

okay, that was a looong sentence. i suggest you read it again and hopefully get it the second time around. anyway, what i said there is what i intend to do - keep the memories alive. :)


to the headturners (UP TSRS), my GA-mates, my friends, my dormmates, the RA's, the mess hall people, the staff, the guards... super thank you for everything. and i hope i'd still see most of you around. *big hug*

God bless. i missed you, i missed kalai. and i'll be back next week. wee!

the power of cramming.

for some weird reason, my hand smells like beer.

anyway, i'm elated. i finished my eng10 paper this morning, sa wakas. i've been sitting in front of my mom's laptop for days now, hoping that for a change, i wouldn't cram my paper. yet every single time, i ended up spending all my pc-time multiplying, and justifying that "i'm not in writing mood yet so i better not mess with my paper just now." oh well.

i'm counting only a few hours 'til i go back to diliman. i dunno if i should be excited or what. all i have to do is submit my paper until 5 today. i hope i leave earlier than 3. 2:30 perhaps? hainako. i usually tend to leave the house until the last minute possible. sana 'di naman today. my paper would go to waste if i don't submit it on time.

err. i'm excited. yet empty. whatever. i dunno if i really am excited. i cut myself from the texting world for almost two days already, and somehow i'm hoping that when i get back sa dorm, things will be the same as they were last week - with all the fun with my friends and floormates. but maybe things will be quite different. it's finals week anyway. and it's our last week in kalai. argh, God don't make me so emotional.

i should have my camera ready just in case. and hopefully some things for my floormates. i'll miss them, i'll miss kalai, i'll miss all the experience and the people. i know, there's no way to get back here. i'm over being a freshie. and a kalai-er. almost.

heck. before i get too emotional here, let me remind myself that i still have two exams to go. God help me.

sorry, ang gulo at plain ng post ko. hope to write a more decent post uli. anybody care to comment kahit ganito?

God bless. happy easter dearies.

PS: crammed this post because i still need to pack. and for something else i crammed, it was an easter card from all of us that made my mama cry.

pain.

i've never been a child with a weak resistance. i've had years of complete school attendance, and in the few years that i've had absences, they would be just for a day or two. i was often excused in high school, but that was mainly due to academic and not health-related reasons.

okay, i've cut for a couple of times in college, usually when i'm lazy, i just want to hang out or i have something important to do that can't be delayed. but lately, as this new year came, i've been very sick twice, and felt bad for several more instances. i haven't had a formal check-up or anything yet, but i'm still hoping that there's nothing severely wrong with my body. right now, i'm counting on strepsils and guiafenesin to ease my sore throat and my cough. i hope i'd get better.

as i laid down on my dormitory bed last friday at an early 7pm (early for a night person like me who lies down between 11-1), i felt alone and so pained that my eyes blurred with tears. i wanted to stand up, to attend the himig rehearsals, to sing, to laugh.. but there's just no more energy left in me to do so. in the end i just wished someone was there to hug me - or maybe just hold my hand - until i submit myself to slumber, and i ended up falling asleep alone and oblivious of the fact that in reality, nobody came.

it is during times like that when i really miss having a boyfriend, when i miss my siblings, and most especially, miss my mom. and that is when i get to understand how she truly feels as a patient for years now. whenever i sit beside her as she waits for her chemo, i never really knew how painful it was for her. it is only when i am sick and alone do i feel as she feels, and yes, it's unfair to her.

i went home, ditching all the good events that are lined up during the weekend. i jumped on the bed beside her, and immediately felt relief wash through me.

as we lay holding on to each other this afternoon, i really couldn't tell if it was i who was comforting her or vice-versa. hmm, maybe both. the feeling of being taken care of is so refreshing, that if it can be helped, i wouldn't want to go back to qc again tomorrow.


i better get better soon, not just so i'd be able to be active again, but also so i can take care of my mother more. i love you, ma. God bless, and hope you get better and better eventually. :)

J is for joyce.

i was listing down codes for all that happened around me since my last blog post (so i'd know what to write about this time), and i noticed that the people whom i listed down are all J people. haha. funny coincidence.

okay, so j is for..

jc. i have my hands up for this guy, who handles music notes so well that i can't help but get carried away during himig kalai rehearsals. before i knew it, i was swaying beside him. (and mcdo was laughing at me. rar.)

jerson. the ever-enthusiastic app head of laong laan is always on the go, especially during the fund run. (i ran an extra half-lap, for more burning of fats! XD)

jena. yey, she's eighteen na din! as usual, i dreaded talking up front (as part of the 18 gifts), but doing it for her made it so okay.

jopay. my cutie cousin loves joining in, and in last sunday's game of donkey, she was perpetually smiling even if she and ate jo were losing.

joanne. my elder sis (with me, actually) picked up the wrong visitor last fiesta and brought him to my uncle's house. good thing we found the right person the second time around.

justin. when i went to the lib for the second time (i looked stupid during the first; i didn't know what to do), i met LL co-app justin. had so much fun chitchat-ing (and secret fishing)!

jeff. friday night, i was asked to sing for the birthday of a person i've never met. as the gossips went, he is a handsome guy. happy 18th, jeff!

jo. after bringing me to jeff's birthday bash, she suddenly appeared in my room and asked to sleep over. She was so engrossed in sketching evan (and she was good), and we chatted until 3.

jp. i never knew he'd be one hell of a nice guy. he introduced me to his floormates (again, during jeff's party), just so i'd gain new friends. and he's so fun to be with.

jim. it was fun having conversation with my canadian uncle. his voice is waaaay softer than mine.

plus,another J is for...

jma. again, there were lots of jma get-aways. firstly, i had fun talking about starbucks coffee during branded gold, a seminar about marketing and branding. and then came the crazy first interviews, apps gone wild, where i did do some insane things while dressed up as a pig. right after my interview was a three-hour nonstop tambay, after more than a week of not showing up at the tambayan (i dropped by the afs office afterwards as well). lastly, there were two activities that got me involved with kids yet again - olympicnic, a day of games with the beneficiaries of jma, and art champ: i can sur-5!, an art camp for children who are battling against cancer. This has been one of the most satisfying jma events so far, especially because i am easily drawn to youngsters.

shamelessly posing during my english 11 class.

of course, there is one J that cannot be separated from me no matter what happens: joyce.

for a couple of days, the right side of my face and neck has been sore, and i've been so sick that i wasn't able to leave bed for meals. but i am thankful to my floormates who cared, especially to jonah and lalet who gave me medicine.

still, there are a lot more fun events around me. there was a friday when i went hav-hunting with bea at midtown near upm, and had dinner with knet and rebby as well. and also, i got well enough later on to dress up for the photoshoot that we had for our corridor exhibit. i'm going for the japanese schoolgirl in winter clothes doll outfit. ha!

yet, some things still hurt. like not knowing how to write my reaction paper for a black-and-white movie with a weird ending (at least for me), cutting philo to review for my bio exam, and feeling like i didn't do well at that same exam. argh. and also, something more, and much deeper than all these things. haii.

anyways, i hope this week turns out all right. good luck to ate jo who will be starting work at medical city tomorrow. and to my mom who will be having her chemo. God bless! smile, smile. :)

"joyce will be joyce, no matter what."

thanks trinabear. i just hope it's still okay to remain as me. (=,

for being impulsive.

as i was having coffee with bea last friday, we suddenly came up with this crazy idea of transferring to UPM and taking up a pre-med course (and hopefully med) there. i was so much agitated, not just with the thought of reviving my dead dream, but of finally having the chance to start a new. clean plate, i say.

so i went on home and shared the sudden change of heart to my mom. part of me hoped she'd be elated, while there's a part that says she'd ask me tons of question that would make me realize that "oo nga, hindi nga ata feasible 'yun. what was i thinking?" well, she didn't question me or anything naman. she just told me,

"sayang ang slot mo, doule-quota course din 'yan. why don't you just take up med after you become a CPA, or maybe after law. o 'di ba, you'll be one of the 17 doctor-lawyers in our country."

hmm. sounds good huh? i almost hit myself on the head; what in the world was i thinking again?

*sigh* i guess it's goodbye to spontaneous ideas for now. i'm stuck in here, so i better love this spot where i am standing.

though i'm so much lost.